I stepped off of the wooden bridge onto the trail of sand, watching moonlit waves through the cattails. The cool breeze blew my hair off of my face and neck, smelling of salt and life. The rushing of the waves blocked all other sound, even the sound of my breath, as I slipped and slid through the powder fine sand, walking quickly and purposefully into the chilly water, following the trail of moonlight.
By the third wave, the water felt warm and the air felt cold. I stared into the eyes of the Mother in the full moon, and summoned Her comfort, healing, and wisdom. I spoke to Her, the waves setting the rhythm of my prayer, and asked her to help me release the pain, the fear, the anger, and most importantly, to help me forgive myself, value myself, heal myself.
I plunked onto my butt in the surf and let the waves wash over me, bringing the light to my body, and washing away the darkness that has plagued me of late. I waited, ignoring the curious passersby. Let the couples enjoy their romantic strolls, and let me enjoy my solitude!
As I sat in the water, watching the foam swirl around me, being tickled by curious fish, I thought about my stress, and opened myself to the wisdom of the Goddess. She reminded me of unconditional love, and showed me the error of my efforts to stop loving. I saw myself embracing him and telling him that I was angry with myself and taking it out on him, knowing that’s not fair to him, and apologizing to him for it. The vision brought tears to my eyes.
I remembered and understood that it’s myself I have to forgive, not anyone else. I have to treat myself the way I want to be treated. I can’t expect anyone to treat me better than I treat myself. Projecting my faults onto those around me, wallowing in fear and pain, and escaping into time wasting activities are all patterns from my past that I’ve slipped into because I am faced with a new, yet familiar, situation. Things aren’t going the way I want or expect them to, so I’m freezing and feeling helpless.
I’m not helpless. I know that. I take full responsibility for my life, the problems I’m having now, and the choices I made that have brought me here. Now I just have to deal with the consequences of my choices, and make better choices for the future.
I just have to remember to view every thing, especially myself, through the eyes of unconditional, unlimited love.
So beautifully written.
Thank you! ❤